Edwerd "Sedrick Diggery" Colon

Ed-derp Colon

There are about a million reasons why those sparkly-vampire books (and the movies they spawned) are stupid. I can’t understand why people are so frickin’ ga-ga over it… other than young girls who have a crush on the pretty-boy sparkly vampire and don’t seem to realize that the whole story is setting them up to accept horrible abusive relationships for the rest of their lives. The flashy, pretty bad-boy is predatory and toxic and wants to turn her into the same thing, and the other slightly-less-pretty bad-boy is a violent gangster with rage issues. I base this knowledge on having sat through various parts of a couple of the movies and having never read a single filthy page of the worthless books.

But young girls go ga-ga over all kinds of mindless-but-harmful trash, so I guess this is not all that different than Beatle-mania or Bieber-fever. Just more harmful because it romanticizes unhealthy relationships in a disturbing way.

Forget about horrible, poisonous role models for young women, or vampires that sparkle when they walk around in the sunlight instead of painfully dying in fire like they are supposed to. Here’s the part that pisses me off: the dumb girl protagonist gets knocked up by her sparkly vampire husband on their honeymoon and has a baby. And the baby comes out “half-vampire.” That, in a nutshell, is fucking stupid. Here’s why:

  1. Birds & the bees. Baby = (egg + sperm + womb) x 9 months of gestation. Dead beings do not produce living sperm that can fuse with a living ovum. The author lady has written explanations about vampiric seminal fluids being analogous to human seminal fluids, but dead nuts is dead nuts. And don’t give me that “dude, it’s FICTION” crap. I know it’s fiction. I’ll allow for vampires – a virus or other pathology that makes profound physiological changes to the human body, causing them to become strictly sanguinivorous, cold-blooded and anaerobic. I’ll even accept that these changes might make for sparkly skin and give them super strength. What I cannot accept is that the jizz produced by such a creature could have any chance of bonding with a normal human egg to make a hybrid baby.
  2. Vampires are essentially immortal and do not age. They are frozen in a stasis at the moment of their “deaths.” Let’s allow vampire jizz to fertilize a human egg and create a hybrid proto-embryo with a full set of chromosomes. How, then, would this embryo develop past this stage into a multi-cellular organism, since vampires do not age? Or, let’s assume that the vampire jizz has magic powers and the baby DOES gestate because it’s only HALF vampire and half human – wouldn’t the gestation period, then, be incredibly long? Or let’s take it a step further and assume that vampire jizz is the same as incubus jizz, which can put a baby in a woman’s womb and the gestation period is roughly the same as normal. How would a half-immortal-vampire baby develop past infancy, since it would be “frozen” in the state it was in when vampirism set in? How long would childhood last?
  3. What would the half-vampire-baby eat? Vampires eat blood, babies eat milk. Half-vampire babies, therefore, eat bloody milk? Non-pasteurised, I guess…
  4. How stupid would the dumb girl have to be to not realize that an undead (or half-undead?) fetus in her womb is a terrible, terrible thing? Nevermind infections or anything mundane like that – a blood-drinking supernatural predator is inside her body where all her blood is. And if it doesn’t kill her, when it finally gets out it’s going to have to be fed. But, being half-human, it might only need bloody milk (see #3 above).
  5. Why is the act of conceiving a baby with a vampire not considered an act of disgusting necrophilia?

I liked what’s-her-name* in the movie the Runaways where she played Joan Jett. Not because she was anything like the real Joan Jett, who was a sexy badass riot grrl before riot grrls were a thing, and who is still awesome. I liked the “Joan Jett” character as it occurred in that particular story. The mumbling and self-conscious gestures made the character appear deeper than the story showed, as though the character were truly struggling with issues that happened off-camera and got carried over into the rest of the story. And she was hot in that movie, but not really in a Joan Jett kind of way. Joan Jett oozed sexuality of the leather-and-chains variety, and she was clearly very openly sexual even if she was private about being a lesbian/bisexual. The character in the movie was someone you’d want to make out with, but you get this feeling she’d also want to snuggle and talk for hours and hours and hours and probably read some dumb non-rhyming poetry about “dark” and “the rain” and “my sorrow.” Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn’t. It failed to make the character in Adventureland any good – that character just came across as a pretty but angsty bore and seemed anachronistic for the 80’s setting. She’s kind of a one-trick pony in terms of acting. With the right character, she can do really well. But that character only fits in so many stories.

I suppose what’s-his-name was good enough as Cedric Diggory in the only other movie I remember seeing him in. He’s certainly done other work, but either I haven’t seen it or it failed to make an impression on me one way or the other. I’m not gonna say he’s talentless. He made Cedric Diggory seem like a good dude. Maybe not quite as saintly and wonderful as Dumbledore makes him out to be with the eulogy at the end there, but a decent sort who didn’t deserve the death he got.

(TANGENT: he was outshined in that movie by David Tennant, who played Barty Crouch, Jr. Tennant got way less screen time, but he made ever precious second count. The freaky tongue-flicking thing weirds me out.)

Anyhow… don’t bother with sparkly vampires. It’s all noxious garbage.

* I do know the name of the actors, but I don’t want to accidentally draw inappropriate traffic from someone searching for her name in Google or whatever. Same reason I’m not naming the stupid series.

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