Roolz of teh Intartoobz – A Filosofee

This is a personal code that is not meant in any way to replace the already-established Rules of the Internet. Instead, this is more of a justification for the banal nonsense on this blog, based on my own observations. Following the theme of the rest of this blog, all titles, headers and boldface words will be spelled intentionally stupid.

Teh Ferst Rool of teh Intartoobz: Nobody gives a tin shit about anything you say or feel or think.

  • Amendmint A: Unless you are a lady who doesn’t look like a potato or a bridge-troll.
  • Amendmint B: Or you are a celebrity.
  • Amendmint C: Or you can fake people into caring about things you say, feel or think by pretending to be a lady or a celebrity.

Teh Sekind Rool of teh Intartoobz: The Internet is only used for Porn, Pirating, Playing Games and Posting Pictures. Nobody seriously uses it for anything else.

  • Amendmint A: It is also used for arguing about things nobody cares about, and for trolling people that care about things.

Teh Therd Rool of teh Intartoobz: No one born after the 1980s knows how to spell or use grammar. No one born before the 1980s realizes that it no longer matters.

  • Amendmint A: Grammar and spelling can still be used to “win” an internet argument.
  • Amendmint B: Apparently, nobody really knows what ad hominem means, so the person making the spelling and grammatical errors during an argument can still “win” the argument by accusing the person pointing out the errors of an ad hominem attack, even if it is not (1). Using Latin automatically makes you smart and correct.
  • Amendmint C: The same goes for “sarcasm” and “irony.” (2)

Teh Forth Rool of teh Intartoobz: Everything on the Internet is free.

  • Amendmint A: But if you pay for it, you can get it without ads.
  • Amendmint B: Unless it actually says it is “free,” in which case it is broken, an up-sell to a “premium” product or service, or barricaded behind porn, mail-order bride and penis-enlargement ads.

Teh Fith Rool of teh Intartoobz: The Internet hates you and you will never get a straight answer to any question, no matter how urgent or earnest it is.

  • Amendmint A: Until you manage to become a part of “the community” by persevering and outlasting the trolls. At which point you become one.

Teh Siksth Rool of teh Intartoobz: Everyone is a badass on the Internet.

  • Amendmint A: This increases exponentially when part of a clique or community.
  • Amendmint B: It also increases according to age and grasp of the English language (lower = more badass) up to a point. 16-year-old dyslexics backed by a clique of online friends will claim they can kick God and Superman and Chuck Norris in the balls all at the same time, but a 12-year-old foreign kid who is just learning English is more likely to back down.

Teh Sevinth Rool of teh Intartoobz: If you can’t find it on Wikipedia or Google, it probably doesn’t exist.

  • Amendmint A: Or you used the wrong search terms.
  • Amendmint B: Or you spelled it way wrong.
  • Amendmint C: Or you’re the only idiot who cares about that kind of bullshit.
  • Amendmint D: Even if you can find it, that doesn’t mean the information will be worth anything to you. Or that it will be even remotely accurate.

Teh Aytth Rool of teh Intartoobz: Any search engine results will contain approximately 1% accurate, pertinent, current information that you were looking for

  • Amendmint A: 2% of the results will be repetition of that accurate, pertinent information copied directly from the original source and pasted in the middle of a page full of ads for herbal Viagra and cheap electronics
  • Amendmint B: 10% of the results will be ad spam from low-rent scammer websites using false keywords for every conceivable search term to sell their counterfeit shoes and penis enlargement pills
  • Amendmint C: The remaining 87% will consist of:
    • guesswork
    • trolling
    • irrelevant blog or outdated news pages that mention the subject in passing
    • pages that contain references to the words used in your search term but not in the same sequence or even the same sentence
    • outdated forum posts where someone asked the same question as you and was never answered.

Teh Nynth Rool of teh Intartoobz: No matter what your opinion may be, expressing it on the Internet will start an argument.

  • Amendmint A: The other guy always has a PhD. Or a relative/best friend that works at wherever.
  • Amendmint B: Any arguments about science/ religion, PC/ Mac, Intel/ AMD, AMD/ nVidia, good/bad video games, Trek/Wars or sport teams are automatically wrong.

Teh Tnth Rool of teh Intartoobz: Expressing a desire that a thing happen or not happen essentially guarantees that the opposite will occur.

  • Amendmint A: While this rule typically provides only lulz for trolls, it can be used to great comedic effect when properly manipulated with clever reverse psychology.

Teh Elavinth Rool of teh Intartoobz: If there is even the remotest, least-likely possibility that something could potentially offend one person somewhere under a very specific set of circumstances, it will be subject to censorship in some form.

  • Amendmint A: If the censorship does not occur immediately, that one person with that very specific set of circumstances will find out about it and file a frivolous lawsuit.
  • Amendmint B: If this person doesn’t exist or respond, someone else will manufacture righteous outrage “on his behalf.”

(1) – Ad Hominem is when an arguer disputes the character of his opponent rather than his arguments. Calling someone a rude name or simply pointing out that they are using incorrect spelling and/or grammar is not necessarily ad hominem, unless the accuser uses these to invalidate the other guy’s arguments.

“You’re an asshole and your arguments are invalid.” – not ad hominem. Two separate, unrelated points.
“You’re an asshole, therefore your arguments are invalid.” – ad hominem.

(2) – Sarcasm vs. Irony – Many people say they are being “sarcastic” when they actually mean they are being “ironic.” Sarcasm is being deliberately hurtful, cruel or derogatory. Irony is saying the opposite of your intended meaning. You can be sarcastic without using irony. Some examples: 

(When a person trips and drops something) “Smooth move, Ferguson!” – Both sarcastic and ironic. The speaker is mocking Ferguson precisely because his moves were NOT smooth.

(When it’s raining and cold out) “Lovely weather.” – Again, both sarcastic and ironic. The speaker is being derogatory about the weather, which is, in fact, not lovely at all.

(When it’s raining and cold out) “Goddamn miserable weather.” – Sarcasm without irony.

(When a person is being a douche-nozzle) “You’re a douche-nozzle.” – Pure sarcasm. There is no irony involved here.

(Talking to a good host after a fun party) “It was a TERRIBLE party and we had a HORRIBLE time. You’re the WORST host ever! *rolls eyes*” – This is the sort of example most often misrepresented as sarcasm, but it is, in fact, irony. It’s not sarcasm because it is not deliberately derogatory – it’s a backwards compliment. In order for it to be sarcasm, the speaker would have had a terrible experience and would have to say how much he enjoyed it, being ironic. Or use the same sentence, but without the irony.

In a similar vein, rain on your wedding day is not ironic. Nor is good advice that you just didn’t take. Nor is a free ride when you’ve already paid, although this one is the closest. Ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife is kind of ironic, but meeting the man of your dreams and then his beautiful wife is not. An ironic situation would be something like, a person who is deathly afraid of snakes falls into a pit of vipers. It doesn’t matter if he lives or dies, being deathly afraid of snakes and falling into a pit of snakes is ironic enough, but I reckon it would be slightly more ironic if the snakes cushion his fall and he survives.

Another example of an ironic situation: reminding yourself over and over and over to remember your keys, leaving notes all over the house, and then when it’s time to leave, you forget where you last left them. Or you forget them anyway.

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